Common wisdom denotes that it’s only a fool who plays with fire and expects not to get burned. Married couples should know this full well. It’s better to keep things right in the first place than solving a mess later.
That being said, marriages have their own share of challenges. To some couples, a temporal thrill outside wedlock could be what they need to fill some pertinent gaps. Just how right is this option for them?
An extramarital affair could offer you the thrill and excitement that is missing so bad in your marriage. Question is, just how sustainable is this in the long run? If not sustainable, can it be made to stand the test of times? Let’s get down to the common reasons why affairs end and whether they could be made to last.
1. Your affair partner can’t meet all your needs
Initially, when the affair kicks off, everything feels rosy and exciting. As a cheating partner, you feel your affair partner is giving you everything you were missing in your marriage. Contrary to your belief, your affair partner could only be addressing some of your needs and not all.
It turns out to be a sad reality when you realize that your affair partner has much of her flaws just as your wife has. If anything, you were managing your wife’s flaws better with all your needs being met.
A cheating partner who had stopped communication with their spouse will fast realize it is all a wild goose chase expecting an affair partner to fill their spouse’s shoe. Understand that your affair partner can’t feel your spouses’ shoe and kill all forms of an emotional attachment.
Keep the affair a separate entity from your marriage and never try to substitute it for marriage.
2. It’s a foundation built on mistrust and deceit
Take this for example. Lindsay who happens to be married meets Peter who has a spouse as well. In the passion of things, Peter confesses his undying love for Lindsay. There intense chemistry of romance in the first stages of their affair that makes them believe they were meant for each other.
Unfortunately for them, their spouses are already meeting some of their needs in their marriages. There are also feelings of guilt and the worry that their covert activities could soon be exposed. Occasionally in their affair, both of them will have to pick calls from their spouses and talk about paramount family issues.
As this goes on, deep down, one partner may begin to feel something is not right. The woman in the affair may start to think after all the man still loves his wife and he is only using her to manage his stress levels. When such feelings of insecurity persist in one of the affair partners, that affair is as good as dead.
If you hit on another liar just like you, what makes you think he/she won’t be leaving you for the next opportunity that promises more thrill. To keep it going, partners should state clearly their intentions. Both partners should understand that it’s not a relationship to commit but just a fling that is temporal.
3. Boredom sets in after a while
Past researches from neuroscientists coupled with anecdotal evidence give credence to the fact that an affair can only last within a period of twelve to eighteen months.
While this could be true for genuine relationships and affairs, affairs are at more risk of disintegration. This is because they have no historical bonds that give them a deeper connection but mere infatuation. Sooner than later, the excitement and secrecy that once dotted their affair begins to wear off fast.
This is outright true given the fact that both partners in the affair are still living two separate lives with their spouses. It’s safe to say that such an arrangement of things lacks real commitment and both partners will start to realize it is heck maintaining the affair.
If you really want to maintain the affair, spice it up often by focusing on the unmet needs in your marriage. Only meet when it’s necessary to do so. Get past the infatuation stage and look at things rationally so that both of you can make sober decisions going forward.
4. Who said the cheating spouse is so perfect?
Isn’t it true that grass is always greener on the other side of the fence? Naturally, you’d want to go where life promises you more of everything good. Unluckily for you, for the most part, and within a short period of time, you will realize that grass isn’t greener as you initially thought.
Cheating spouses always see their affair partner as the perfect companion ever. An affair always has no real life experiences and challenges like the ones in a marriage. So, this makes the affair partner appear like a goddess with all the quality traits you would have ever imagined.
From time to time in your affair, you will begin to notice that your partner isn’t that perfect as you thought. You may want to downplay their flaws and say it’s all okay but sooner than you think, you get tired and begin wondering whether it’s worth it.
With good judgement, it’s easier accepting that your partner in the affair has some flaws just like you. You can’t change them but you can choose to tolerate them. That solely depends on how much you are willing to let go to be with them. How bad is bad for you?
5. Same field different players
It’s said that change comes from within and no one can change you unless you have the resolve to change. When a cheating spouse gets into an affair, he/she does not leave their marriage problems behind. Most affairs are usually born out of infatuation with no deep soul searching and self-reflection.
Most affairs begin on the pretext that “my spouse is problematic and the cause of discontentment”. Later, you begin to realize that the same problems you had in your marriage are just as visible in your affair.
Of course, everything could be wonderful right now but you soon realize the affair is just as problematic as your marriage.
With the emerging challenges in your affair, keeping your affair covert is one of the most difficult things you will ever do. To avoid turning it into a marriage like drama, weigh the pros and cons of the affair and see if it’s worth the effort before taking a deep dive.